This is my current draft of the letter I am currently sending to my beta readers.
Dear Beta Readers,
Let me start off first by saying, thank you all for taking the time out of your mundane lives to read my latest work. It brings me some small joy to know that I have brought a ray of sunshine into your overcast lives. I am sure that you are honored to be able to take part and I assure you that there is the possibility of you being mentioned in the acknowledgments should I find that there is still room once I have included the important and relevant people first.
I have to imagine that you are simply tingling with excitement over being so close to greatness. I can assure you, the feeling you are having right now is appropriate. Imagine if Einstein had asked you to proof his theory of relativity, if Beethoven had pulled you into his parlor and said “Hey, do you mind giving this a listen?” You have been given the opportunity to look beyond the veil, to see where greatness begins. Please, though, do find it in yourself to save your compliments for later. You do not want to appear desperate.
I should inform you that there are a few ground rules. First, I will be completely ignoring your critical feedback. I have long since come to the conclusion that my latest work is flawless and, honestly, I’m just going through the motions here. As such, do feel free to comment as you like just so long as you understand that I will ultimately ignore your suggestions. Who is the writer here anyway?
Second, there is the possibility that I will take said critical statements personally. I am known to hold a rather significant grudge and will use all the powers of my social networking to personally disparage you, your family, your pets, and the town in which you live. You have thus been forewarned.
Lastly, I am not here to groom your ego. I am here to groom my own. If you are expecting me to rain compliments upon you for your efforts, you will be disappointed to say the least. This is my time. It is your opportunity to leave unto me your thoughts before my fame and fortune invariably lead to there being a great distance between us. Take this as being your time to shine. Your fifteen minutes are upon you! Seize this moment while you can!
Once again, you are among the honored few.